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Claudia Stack

An Ivy League Degree Can't Make Your Child a Happy Person

2021-01-22

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This may come as good or bad news, depending on your level of commitment to “tiger parenting”, but attending a certain college won’t make your child a happy person. I speak from 17 years of experience as a university advisor, and as someone who has a Master’s degree from an Ivy League school. An Ivy League degree can’t make anyone happy. Each of us still has to make that individual journey to find contentment with life.

I’m not addressing the possible earnings boost a person might attain by attending an elite institution. Although it's important to note that even that benefit may be exaggerated. Some research published by the National Bureau of Economic Research suggests that no such boost occurs for men from higher income backgrounds, and that it exists for women only because they delay child-bearing. Money can contribute to contentment, of course, but I’m addressing how you feel about your life. Whether you wake up with a feeling of eagerness about the day, or a feeling of dread. In my opinion, that cannot be determined by having a degree from a particular college.

Ever-widening cracks in the foundation of our society’s traditional goals (education, work, marriage, family), combined with a sense of uncertainty over the fate of our planet as a whole, evoke various reactions.

Some people are doubling down and insisting that their children study harder, score higher, write ever more amazing essays based on a dizzying array of enriching activities — all so they can leap across the widening chasm of uncertainty to land, they hope, in a fabled place where the path to a secure life will magically unfold before them.

However, before turning your child’s life into a carousel of anxiety in order to attain admittance to a certain institution, take some time to consider whether it is worth it. Does that supposed secure path still exist in our current economic environment? Even if you think it does, will that path help to make your child a happy person?

Some years back, I sat across from a newly enrolled freshman and his mother. I asked about his goals. His mother jumped in and provided a detailed vision of him becoming a television news anchor, or perhaps a weatherman. When she had finally stopped talking, I turned to him and again asked him about his goals. This time he did speak up, saying with confidence that he would like to be a repo man. I looked at the two of them and wanted to ask “Do you ever talk ?” However, I think what I ended up saying was something along the lines of “How interesting! You may be aware that you don’t need a four-year degree to become a repo man…”

I wish I knew what became of him.

Although that scenario seems comical in retrospect, I can tell many more stories of parents who were more ambitious and focused than their children, generally resulting in great unhappiness for all concerned. I have seen tiger cubs crash and burn in the most spectacular ways- partying, not attending class, driving drunk- once they are away from the constant supervision of their tiger parents. I have also seen them withdraw into depression, and (in the best case scenario) have to go through a process of reflection and therapy to find their own motivation.

Here are some things to consider before launching an all out campaign for your child to do everything necessary to be admitted to a large, prestigious university:

  • At the big name universities, students often do not have courses with full professors for the first year or two that they are enrolled. Freshmen and sophomore courses are often taught by graduate students or adjuncts.
  • The atmosphere may be competitive and cut throat, rather than collaborative. Just one small example: After an undergraduate experience that put a premium on collaboration, I was shocked when realized that in my graduate school students would check rare books out of the library, just so other students couldn’t use them.
  • Depending on your finances and your child’s scholarships/financial aid award, your child may have to borrow much more than is wise in order to complete a degree at a "top tier" university.
  • At smaller colleges, it is more likely that your child will take courses with tenure-track professors starting in freshman year, and have more opportunities to be mentored by faculty.

If your child is showing signs of academic burnout and/or saying s/he doesn’t want to attend college on the regular time frame, pay attention. It may be much wiser to allow him/her to work, volunteer, join the military or join the Peace Corps. Any of these options are better than wasted time, wasted tuition dollars, and poor grades in courses that will just have to be repeated if your child goes back to complete a degree later.

I can tell many stories of young people who found satisfaction at smaller colleges, or by taking nontraditional paths. The student from a small town who thought the only way she could use her talents in math was to be a teacher, until the career office helped her get an internship doing statistical work. The student who found his calling when he joined the Coast Guard Reserve in order to pay for college. The student who was admitted to medical school because of the opportunities and encouragement he got from the professors in the Biology department at his small college.

I grew up in 1970s, recession-era New York City, and attended a middle school where I was assaulted and mugged hundreds of times. When I was admitted to the Bronx High School of Science, one of NYC's public “exam” schools, my daily school environment was suddenly safe and peaceful. However, now I had a whole new nightmare world to navigate: A subway commute of over an hour, with assault being a constant threat.

Determined to escape the city, I attended a small college in Maryland on grants and loans. The small environment was collaborative and helpful to me. After college, I worked for three years at a prestigious private university in Boston. Outwardly, this seems like a success, but on a personal level I was still unhappy.

Later, I enrolled at Harvard University and earned a Master’s degree, but I was still lacking in direction. It wasn’t until I moved to rural North Carolina that I began to sort things out. Over the next twenty years I became happy and successful on my own terms. By this I mean, when I wake up each morning, I genuinely look forward to the day.

Why? I feel good about the way my children are growing up, and I feel that my work (teaching and filmmaking) is meaningful. From personal experience, I can tell you that an Ivy League degree doesn’t come with a road map to happiness. Don’t push your child toward a certain college at all costs, especially if it means causing him or her endless anxiety. There are benefits to every constructive path.

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